Просмотр полной версии : Problems with mum
Hello.
At all I do not know, with what to begin. So all was weaved into a ball that it is difficult to find the extremities or ends I Shall try to describe a situation. For today I had very bad attitudes or relations with own mum, problems in dialogue with people, in career and as consequence or investigation strong depression.
The matter is that I grew in incomplete family, without the father, mum and the grandmother brought up me. In the childhood mum very quiveringly to me concerned, cared, strongly sponsored, and even when I have already matured, continued to speak what to do or make, what to not do or make, how to behave, etc. I always was constraining, even it is possible to tell or say zakompleksovannoj the girl, at school studied on the five-four though it was given not always easily. There was a strong pavor of answers at a board, therefore always very much crammed all rules, constantly reddened, when responded, heart strongly beat. (I already understand it, that it is called sotsiofobija.)
At this time mum for me was simply the god, I very much liked it or her, it was necessary to her to leave somewhere at me strong pavors began, that she will not return any more. Naturally practically besprikoslovnoe obedience. At the same time she was irritable enough person, constant scandals with the grandmother, i.e. with own mother. Complaints to a serious life, that she about her badly cared, never understood, etc. the Grandmother at all thus the gentle person. On me too there were arrivals, that I not such obedient, do not try to help or assist on a facilities or an economy, etc. Though I aspired to carry out always its or her assignments or orders, aspired to avoid with her of conflicts.
Then I have left school and have entered the institute. In institute problems with dialogue were found out, friends-girlfriends was a little, kept enough separately. At leisure a little somewhere went with them, was engaged more itself, in any sektsijah, on courses. Somehow I have fainted in the morning of the house, descended or went to the neuropathologist, have diagnosed VSD.
Mum even more often began to carp at me, was constantly dissatisfied with that I do or make, continued to give advice or councils if I do not carry out - strong scandal. I already was the adult person (20 years), and she wanted, that I was constantly with her. Once again somewhere from someone to descend or go was the big problem, it was necessary to think out any weighty reasons. Considered or counted, that I do not care of her, that she for me does or makes all, and I ungrateful or thankless.
At it or her problems at job have begun, constantly it seemed to her, that to her concern unfairly, that this not so on it or her has looked or seen, that not so something has told or said Quarrels, hysterics Then change of several places of job, serious new search Constant complaints to the health, pressure, phobia that at it or her something with heart has jumped up. Long arrangements to spend different inspections. Doctors connected or bound all with a climacteric (to her then there were 42 years). Began to drink tablets, beginning or starting from Corvalolum-, Phenazepamum (I do not know who wrote out), up to intimate or cardiac.
All this last some years. Mother began to hate fiercely the grandmother, to beat! It or her, me.
She has inspired me feeling of fault: I not grateful, for it or her do not do or make anything, she did or made all for me. She began to take away from me clothes which she to me has once bought or purchased though I already earn itself. At me health began to worsen, vision, a gastritis, constant headaches has sat down. Somehow I have got up courage, resembled to the psychotherapist, there has come or stepped small improvement, thanks God he did not begin to write out tablets essentially. Then somehow a vein in this all nightmare some more years.
In February there was with her a large quarrel, again with beating, otnimaniem clothes, till now is not talked (thus we live in one apartment, as in kommunalke). Unfortunately, to rent a room or an apartment I cannot. Dialogue occurs or happens only through relatives. She speaks, that cannot live so more, that will impose on itself arms or hand, that she is necessary to nobody, I experience this all too very strongly, and ideas such at me too were, but there was a pavor that I shall remain the invalid if it will not turn out. I do not have any desires, wants, only to sleep nothing, is constant in a somnolent status, to work difficultly, on job I go as the robot. I think nothing, constant feeling of alarm, very strong. In March tried to resemble to the psychotherapist (on Baskovom), there were 3 sessions, but has then thrown, the doctor has not liked, to sense any.
Now to me 27 years, I do not feel, that I live, simply there is I not married, children are not present, career by the person I can not make, stir or prevent problems in family, all forces leave on it.
And the most interesting, that I would like to reconcile with her somehow but as soon as like here I would wish to approach or suit to her, at me heart that in a throat, a leg or foot pokashivajutsja, etc. I can not physically make it or this starts to fight strongly.
The chaotic extremity or end has turned out, excuse, if not all is clear.
As a result: 1. I do not know, there can be at it or her any mental disease? Such reactions and an inadequate estimation of the attitude or relation to (even relatives speak) and what with it or this to do or make?
2. I do not know how to overcome pavor and to approach or suit to her, and to do or make it it is necessary more soon! If she indeed will make something with herself, I shall not go through.
3. Thus I do not know as with her to continue to live.
By this you the clever woman (by competent speech and the letter)
You like mum.
How you think and if to write to her the letter and to leave on kitchen or cuisine it will help or assist? Simply napist that you feel all both that like it or her and that want that all at it or her was good. That wish to present her of the most remarkable on light of grandsons, that you too wish to be happy, that you very much appreciate all that she for you does or makes, that want the world and goods in the house.
Whether I do not know it will help or assist, but can be costs or stands? At least you talk.
Listen to the doctor - that he will tell or say?
TISSA, thanks for kind advice or council
Understand, at me the double attitude or relation to mother was developed or produced: on the one hand, I understand, that she my mum, the most dear or expensive person on light, that she tried to make for me everything, that could, during such moments it or her it is very a pity to me, heart is simply broken off or simply lacerated, I want, that we lived amicably.
BUT! On the other hand: I do not understand, why she so concerns to me? Why it is necessary to scoff (other word I can not pick up) above own child whom she so "likes"? Why she has taken a position: I the first shall not approach or suit to her!? Why she considers or counts, what nobody likes it or her? (yes all around of it or her only also jump) It is illness or disease? Or it is norm or rate? I have lost to her respect, I can not forgive or excuse such attitude or relation to me, and to the grandmother too. And it in the course of time began to outweigh the first reason.
And not the fact, that having written to her the letter, she will come to be reconciled.
Actually it seems to me, that business or affairs are so (I shall dare to copy another's work):
Prompt, how the phenomenon is called, when the person (the parent, to be exact - mother) unconsciously during education sets to children the program for a unfortunate, unsuccessful, problem life? At me on this bill only one reason: in that family about which speech, parents of these children an appreciable part of the life and very important part, namely - the teenage, youthful and youth period, - were in the big degree otverzhennymi people. Derelicts. Complexes, the uncertainty, closed, unsociable . To me it is thought, that mum brings up the children such defective, not adapted and unadapted by a life, not integrated in it or her only because they now for it or her - a unique agent for self-realization, as army - for the modern general. The only thing whom she very much wishes to command who for the present submits to her though it is already far not implicitly. Children for it or her - unique who depends on it or her entirely and completely the maturing and self-affirming child in one perfect day speaks mum instead of habitual " well, mummy, I like you " will tell or say sledushchee: " Mums, I shall understand this situation ITSELF. I am with all the heart grateful to you for everything, that you for me did or made and do or make, but I am the adult person and I shall act how I consider it necessary. If I shall want, I shall ask you. Not over me to command and climb during my life ". It would seem - that in it or this bad??? It is normal. And for it or her it will be accident. The group of support was developed or unwrapped by a back and has left from a stage of this theatre of absurdity. And I think, that she builds the strategy of education on not allowing the children to become with world around " on you ", on protecting them from the world of television, insurgents, violence, abuse, boys and little girls, pjanok - parties, shireva - pyreva, fine teenage poreva and in general from self-determination and from independence. To protect them from all and to be eternal something like the filter passing or missing during their life that considers it necessary. That they knew, that without it or her they - anything and to what are not capable. Only then at it or her all will be normal, there will be a feeling of a demand, nuzhnosti, realizovannosti and feeling "ljubimosti" and "uvazhaemosti" the most close people. Here only, whether children will float and dive at ocean of a life, how whales? Whether will soar, how eagles? Whether there will be they, how cheetahs, hozevami these steppes? In a word, whether they will be happy in a life?
Here it very precisely reflects the developed situation, plus mental deviations or rejections of mummy and as consequence or investigation of its or her baby (i.e. me) are imposed.
All this sees to me as a vicious circle, from which I do not see an output or exit.
Very much it would be desirable to hear Sergey Stanislavovicha's opinion.
It would be desirable times - will hear!:)
You here have given rather detailed psychological portrait of your mum. Similar, what is it you have made not an impromptu. Experience is felt. Such you will not make for one day. At me, even, the impression was made, that you devote rather appreciable part of time to the analysis of problems of your attitudes or relations with mum. And what you do or make in your life, except for it or this? In what you see sense and the purpose of the life? How much or As far as you are close to achievement of this purpose, on your sensations?
To you of 27 years, you not married, children are not present, career by the person cannot make.... But, in fact these or it 27 years you did or made all something? If not career, children and family, that? Really, these years have devoted All of you to adjustment of attitudes or relations with your mum? Or, perhaps, I have passed or missed something? popravte me, if it so.
The reports I wrote 2,5-3 hours, preparations any were not, and in general the detailed psychological portrait of mum developed in a head within several years, owing to my desire to understand the life, attitudes or relations in family and somehow to solve this problem, not leading up up to extreme measures. The sense of my life till the today's moment was: as though to not upset something mum, that it or she today had a good mood once again to not anger it or her since she constantly badly feels herself, I have finished it or her! ( because of you at me such high pressure all time!, I now all life shall drink tablets!, and now at me still the allergy has begun! ). Last time I lived in the constant control over the emotions, I could not express the sincere feelings at its or her presence, it or her my view constantly did not arrange, mine an acidic look . Certainly, I will have such expression! Because any person has a limit of patience, and as though I did not try, absolutely to supervise all not probably. I would like to leave, escape somewhere. Friends to the presents was a little, and whence they will appear, sitting at home?. To tell or say: mum, I shall go tonight to Natashke, we shall chat a little I could not, because at once began: on kitchen or cuisine dirty utensils, it is necessary to eat still something to prepare, I badly feel myself, at me pressure! Problems at job, I so am tired! And you if only to fall down somewhere, I should do or make all! . And if I and spoke, scandal began. She considers or counts, that all in this house and in this life is done or made by her, and others do or make nothing. Such sensation, that she is simple it or this does not notice.
I look at any friends, girlfriends, they by 27 years had time and to visit married, and children narozhat, and to divorce (some people) and during too time job have quite good, and do not feel tragedy in any vital peripetias, they are independent, know, that they can, are assured of itself. And I have stayed for all this time near to mummy, studied, studied and studied as bequeathed great Lenin, and to sense from this or thus any. Because I am not able to communicate, has not learned. There is no confidence of, that I something can, I am afraid of the responsibility.
the reports I wrote 2,5-3 hours, preparations any were not, and in general the detailed psychological portrait of mum developed in a head within several years, owing to my desire to understand the life, attitudes or relations in family and somehow to solve this problem, not leading up up to extreme measures. The sense of my life till the today's moment was: as though to not upset something mum, that it or she today had a good mood once again to not anger it or her since she constantly badly feels herself, I have finished it or her! ( because of you at me such high pressure all time!, I now all life shall drink tablets!, and now at me still the allergy has begun! ). Last time I lived in the constant control over the emotions, I could not express the sincere feelings at its or her presence, it or her my view constantly did not arrange, mine an acidic look . Certainly, I will have such expression! Because any person has a limit of patience, and as though I did not try, absolutely to supervise all not probably. I would like to leave, escape somewhere. Friends to the presents was a little, and whence they will appear, sitting at home?. To tell or say: mum, I shall go tonight to Natashke, we shall chat a little I could not, because at once began: on kitchen or cuisine dirty utensils, it is necessary to eat still something to prepare, I badly feel myself, at me pressure! Problems at job, I so am tired! And you if only to fall down somewhere, I should do or make all! . And if I and spoke, scandal began. She considers or counts, that all in this house and in this life is done or made by her, and others do or make nothing. Such sensation, that she is simple it or this does not notice.
I look at any friends, girlfriends, they by 27 years had time and to visit married, and children narozhat, and to divorce (some people) and during too time job have quite good, and do not feel tragedy in any vital peripetias, they are independent, know, that they can, are assured of itself. And I have stayed for all this time near to mummy, studied, studied and studied as bequeathed great Lenin, and to sense from this or thus any. Because I am not able to communicate, has not learned. There is no confidence of, that I something can, I am afraid of the responsibility.
Zdavstvujte, I can tell or say to you, that you not one such! At me absolutely similar history, well one to one! Plus besides at me still was the stepfather, a former toper. He could not suffer or bear me, was jealous of mother terribly, and in every way tried to dissolve us in what has succeeded. And my mum has been assured, what exactly she "has heroically rescueed" or saved" it or him from green zmija, and lived actually satisfying its or his whims and whims. I too lived with them till 26 years! Try to add mentally to all volume, that at you esteshchyo and drunk hysterics of the stepfather which hates you. Then has by hook or by crook married, despite of hysterics and crisises of mother and the stepfather. It was not happy marriage or spoilage, but everything, owing to it or him;them I managed to leave from mother. As a result I and with the husband have missed, but at all I do not regret, now at me the son grows and to us it is simply wonderful!
You personally do not have resoluteness and real actions!
You the clever formed person, understand all and have fine analysed a situation and have found the reason of your problems. Now to you to solve, or to remain in all this from pavor for mother or to choose a normal life, only for this purpose it is necessary to leave from it or her. Anybody for you of it or this will not make another, understand! Perfect prince or the fairy will not come and will not transfer or carry you to the fantastic latch! You need to operate or work most! I very well understand you, I have passed or have taken place through all it is itself, it was terrible to me to change a life up to cramps, but I too have analysed a situation and knew, that if I shall remain in family of mother - I shall not survive. And I have left, and I live now far from it or her, and all has calmed down! And attitudes or relations with mother normal, -kind, and she with herself has not made anything, though too threatened. Thus I communicate with her only by phone and if accidentally she on an old habit starts me "to gnaw", that I not and not there live, simply I put a tube. And all!!! And in reply to reproaches in egoism I have learned to not be justified, and easy to respond, that everyone in a life has the right to private life and a free choice!
Yes, I do not have not enough resoluteness, boldness, am afraid both for itself, and for mother. For mother - that with her something happens, then I shall not forgive or excuse myself never and how she will live now? For myself - that I can not adapt in this world, I shall not find friends, job, I shall be ill with something, the brick will fall to a head It would be desirable in fact to be successful, beautiful, young, healthy, happy! Well the life is to be lived. My uncertainty in simply amazes even me! It not simply phobia, is pavor, all sees in black color, in the most terrible tones.
I can has put very high vital rod which I can not reach? And why I have put it or her such high? Here what questions start to excruciate
I wish in fact to marry not as you send or have left, and so that and from mother it was possible to leave more soon and at the same time that the love was that though in this "new" life to take pleasure to not get divorced divorce for me it will be simple tragedy! To remain with the child on arms or hand - too even greater or big tragedy. And any other future vital situations - too all as tragedy. What to me prevents to concern to all more easy? Why I cannot argue: well I shall divorce, well I shall bring up the child one, well and what? And at once in a head other internal voice - here and one it you will bring up, as mother brought up you, will be worn with it or him, is constant sopli, sljuni to wipe, for an arm or a hand to hold, strongly to sponsor, since this unique native essence will be And again into place and the same uncertain, dependent, hammered person will grow. Here of that I am afraid. How so to make, that this script did not repeat? The answer arises by itself: It is possible to not have children simply, for example. It is possible. And if it would be desirable to care of someone native? The maternal instinct all the same exists, whatever one may do. To care only of the husband? To get or start a dog? Well it already simply parody to a normal life
And such reasonings I can conduct and write on different other subjects
And so, again I shall repeat, there is a pavor, I have gone in cycles in the uncertainty as from it or this to get rid I do not know.
rusja, thanks that have supported or maintained, have told the history... You the good fellow, I envy you, you have found in yourselves forces! And I as razmaznja...
Yes... Really, you are a little irresolute;)
Actually, the report I wished you to provoke (it was rigid enough and venomous), however... Your reaction, more correctly, absence in her of some components, forces me to assume, that at you, really, seryoznye problems with... Aggression. The long life with mum with its or her specific character, has learned you "to merge" the aggression somewhere on the party or side. And without correct use of aggression there can be no development or change - a situation as is frozen, stiffens.
Usually, similar problems in attitudes or relations with mum are solved dochermi an early output or exit in marriage. More often, such marriages or spoilage, subsequently, appear unsuccessful since girls marry more likely FROM what FOR. I.e., actually, they go not FOR the husband, and FROM mum. Nevertheless, in a similar situation, such marriage can be regarded as more correct decision in comparison by that you do or make. I mean, that you suffer or bear, allowing a situation to be in itself and wait, when she will change itself. And, you do not notice as rationalize the inactivity: for example, still "not having started" to marry, you already experience in occasion of, that will have to get or start a dog.
Know, the life in general is full of everything, including and various tragedies. But, in my opinion, the greatest tragedy is to be the observer of the life.
However, all it - no more, than words. To leave the created position you can or owing to intensifying, the culmination of vital crisis, through the big despair and a pain, or - by means of persistent job with the psychotherapist. In that and other variant there are pluss and minuses so, that you can choose.
Actually, the report I wished you to provoke (it was rigid enough and venomous), however... Your reaction, more correctly, absence in her of some components, forces me to assume, that at you, really, seryoznye problems with... Aggression.
Actually, I then have estimated or appreciated your "arrival", have decided to talk structurally, instead of to begin verbal fight. To swear we are able...:-))
the Long life with mum with its or her specific character, has learned you "to merge" the aggression somewhere on the party or side. And without correct use of aggression there can be no development or change - a situation as is frozen, stiffens.
Estesstvenno, that in such conditions I merge aggression on the party or side. And if not on the party or side in family business reaches wild scandals with rukoprikladstvom. What do you mean under " correct use of aggression "? To buy or purchase darts and to throw them in the photo of mum hung up on a wall? Or a boxing pear with gloves and lupit on her?
Yes, I do not have not enough resoluteness, boldness, am afraid both for itself, and for mother. For mother - that with her something happens, then I shall not forgive or excuse myself never and how she will live now?
You worry for mother, and she beats you and oppresses. Whether costs or stands worries for such person even if it is own mother? On mine, it is not necessary. It is necessary to be solved and leave, it is possible or probable even in other city. It is chance to arrange the life, and going down stream, you miss this chance.
Correct use of own aggression is a display of aggression to address of that object which causes this aggression. Throwing of darts in a portrait of mum is one more form of shift of the answer of aggression, in this case, from a situation requiring change on a portrait of mum. The maximum that you it or this can achieve is time or temporary "discharge" and calm. Ranjashchaja you the situation will not change, therefore, it becomes better from it or this to you not.
You should manage to direct own energies, own aggression on the decision, izmeneie that situation which causes now your discontent. poraskinte prevaritelno brains on a subject how to make so that display of your aggression was as much as possible constructive and would bring to you a maximum quantity of advantage or benefit.
However, from smooth theoretical reasonings before practical application, rather big way. It or he will be easier for overcoming, having begun or started teamwork above the problem with the psychotherapist. One to untie the tightened or delayed site will be trudnovato.
Yes, I do not have not enough resoluteness, boldness, am afraid both for itself, and for mother. For mother - that with her something happens, then I shall not forgive or excuse myself never and how she will live now? For myself - that I can not adapt in this world, I shall not find friends, job, I shall be ill with something, the brick will fall to a head It would be desirable in fact to be successful, beautiful, young, healthy, happy! Well the life is to be lived. My uncertainty in simply amazes even me! It not simply phobia, is pavor, all sees in black color, in the most terrible tones.
I can has put very high vital rod which I can not reach? And why I have put it or her such high? Here what questions start to excruciate
I wish in fact to marry not as you send or have left, and so that and from mother it was possible to leave more soon and at the same time that the love was that though in this "new" life to take pleasure to not get divorced divorce for me it will be simple tragedy! To remain with the child on arms or hand - too even greater or big tragedy. And any other future vital situations - too all as tragedy. What to me prevents to concern to all more easy? Why I cannot argue: well I shall divorce, well I shall bring up the child one, well and what? And at once in a head other internal voice - here and one it you will bring up, as mother brought up you, will be worn with it or him, is constant sopli, sljuni to wipe, for an arm or a hand to hold, strongly to sponsor, since this unique native essence will be And again into place and the same uncertain, dependent, hammered person will grow. Here of that I am afraid. How so to make, that this script did not repeat? The answer arises by itself: It is possible to not have children simply, for example. It is possible. And if it would be desirable to care of someone native? The maternal instinct all the same exists, whatever one may do. To care only of the husband? To get or start a dog? Well it already simply parody to a normal life
And such reasonings I can conduct and write on different other subjects
And so, again I shall repeat, there is a pavor, I have gone in cycles in the uncertainty as from it or this to get rid I do not know.
Yes, you "have similar, really gone in cycles". Only it in my opinion, is worse than uncertainty. And to you did not occur, what it is possible to like and care of people, remaining thus absolutely free? At you the skew aside unhealthy any attachment, almost slaveries is obviously traced. Andrey Bitov, apparently, has told or said about " a syndrome of the slave " is when a neck myorznet without a collar. You complain and at the same time afraid to lose this dependence on mother. By the way, and what for you search at it or her for mental disease? That with you sympathized, or hope, what the psychiatric diagnosis will adhere you to her for all remained life? And I here only having remained one, have felt, what this pleasure - freedom! I am independent and financial independent of anybody, and I do or make that I want and when I want. Familiar women for eyes and in eyes name me "razvedyonkoj" and "single mother", and at the same time in a black way to me envy! To listen takuju-to ears : mornings see you in the evening, at job, on a visit, by phone and at forums in an Internet she continuously and zanudno complains: on despots-parents, on a witch-mother-in-law, on the husband who reproaches with each rouble. And you want prince and unearthly love? Well-well, search and obrjashchete. Though your mother will be against any husband, it is clear. And I have a friend who comes to me when I shall want. And to not marry away at all, but I am not going to yet, me and so it is good. Now I have an opportunity of a free choice which I to lose do not want. And if we spend together days off, either at theatre, or on a trip interesting, or on a beach in the summer. And be I its or his wife I simply would plough at it or him on a summer residence. And so he to me brings fruit and flowers from this summer residence. What for you choose only bad in a life? And what udovolstvie-the child! Only when at me has appeared own, I have understood, in what nightmare me vospityvali-all was forbidden to me. And the most part of interdictions had for an object only to deprive with me pleasure, pleasure in a life, now I well understand it, And I study together with my son to live without ridiculous interdictions. By the way, rebyonkabystro and easily learn or teach elementary things, including to put on, wash most, smorkatsja, and the problem " vytiranija soplej " which you so are afraid, leaves for ever. Though, if you are afraid to live, a little that will help or assist you. Try to be even for the beginning separately. Well, to exchange an apartment, say, or to remove or take off for a while. You in fact the adult person, work, at desire an output or exit to find it is possible. To you now really would not prevent pobyt one and to calm down.
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