oks
19.02.2005, 13:10
How to tell or say to the sex partner in a HIV-status?
From a HIV it is complex or difficult to majority of people to tell or say to the partner about " positive news ". It can become the main obstacle for a sex life of a HIV-positive. There is a set of ways of disclosing of the status, allowing to break this barrier.
For many of us openly to declare the positive status it is even more terrible, than to invite the one who is pleasant, to appointment. Many of us already have a negative experience when us rejected liked, friends or members of family. For this reason, frequently people are ready on everything if only to avoid a phrase: " I - a HIV-positive ". However at construction of serious attitudes or relations inevitably there will come or step the moment when it will be necessary to inform on a HIV-status.
There are different ways of disclosing of a HIV-status. In some cases, for example, getting acquainted on the Internet, you do or make it still before will meet the potential partner. In other cases you can inform on a HIV-status to the person whom meet, and you already had appointments. The some people prefer to make it before you had sex contacts, in other cases when all already "has far come".
Depending on the purposes and your present situation you can use various strategy to adjust private life. Here some of them who can appear useful are presented only.
Vow of continence
Some people choose continence, start up even time or temporary and not only to avoid disclosing the HIV-status. Here words of one HIV-positive of the man: " I have received this virus because of sex. I need to reconcile all over again to it or this, to recover emotionally ". For those who has gone through sex violence or break of long attitudes or relations, "respite" from sex also is necessary to be restored. Though continence also limits a sexual life, it expands or dilates borders for new emotional and spiritual communications or connections.
Sex: casually and without obligations
The some people avoid emotional contact because of possible or probable risk otverzhenija, being engaged in anonymous or casual sex because under similar circumstances there is no necessity to open the HIV-status.
Many HIV-positive consider or count very important to inform the constant partner in a HIV, but on casual sex this rule at them does not extend. In overwhelming majority of cases people from a HIV try to practise even with casual partners safe sex, or insist on itself. Thus often it is supposed, that if the person is engaged in sex, he knows about the risks connected with it or him. It is important to note, that because of existing biases the majority of a HIV-negative of people consider or count, that only the bad person will be engaged in sex, not having informed about a HIV-status. It does not mean, that they are right, but it is important to realize, as the partner can concern to a similar practice.
Problem of "casual" sex that very much often fleeting attitudes or relations develop into something greater, and in this case the person should choose - whether to inform all the same about a HIV, or to leave, not having explained the reason. It is necessary to tell or say, that many diskordantnye pairs or steams so have met and have begun a joint life. However if you had dangerous sex contacts, to make a recognition begins most difficultly as in parallel it is necessary to advise the partner concerning risk and testings.
Acquaintances under the announcement
The Internet-service of acquaintances in which it is possible to specify the HIV-status, give an opportunity to search for the friend on regions, to look through a photo and profiles of people from a HIV (gomo-and geteroseksualnyh), wishing to meet.
The majority of a HIV-positive, first of all, think not of continence and not about anonymous sex, and about an opportunity to join the company of people in which initially it is not necessary to hide the HIV-status. Getting acquainted on the Internet, or having placed the announcement in magazine or service of acquaintances, you in advance mark or celebrate the status, and it at once solves the problem disclosings. Other people simply try to communicate as much as possible with a HIV-positive (in the medical centers, on groups of support and mutual aid), hoping, that sooner or later will meet the one who is necessary to them.
The announcement of acquaintance - your field for creativity, here you can describe yourselves as attractive and " positive in every respect " the person who wishes to meet the same partner. Having specified the status, you find confidence that everyone who will respond to your announcement, signs you such what you are.
And even if you are not going to to place the announcement, drawing up of the personal questionnaire to appear it can is rather useful. Try to make it for the sake of experiment - outline the list of the qualities and those qualities which to you was to be seen in the partner. In the further it will help or assist you with search of the best candidates on a vacant place.
The main problem of such kind of acquaintances - at you is much less than choice, and search can be tightened or delayed for acritical term. Besides your heart, alas, can not take a HIV-status of the potential partner into consideration, and finally you can casually meet the one for whom always searched, outside of any special services. In this case you most likely should plan disclosing of a HIV-status.
To meet someone especial
If you want, that the partner has accepted you, all over again accept itself. Work ceasing to feel fault or shame that at you a HIV. You the one who you are, your views and a way can differ from advice or councils of relatives and friends, but it does not mean, that you do not deserve love and happiness. You are worthy respect from the partner.
Be accessible. Your ideal will not appear from anywhere, as " the eighth miracle of light ". Expand or dilate a circle of the acquaintances, try to communicate with different people. Go on group of mutual aid, join the command on volleyball, help or assist with the charitable organization - use all opportunities to become a part of a society and to find new friends. The more at you a choice - the better.
Flirt, instead of "remove or take out". First of all, tell or say there is no" shyness. Shyness is only one more pretext to avoid occurrings and to remain in loneliness. If you possess a bewitching smile why to not aim it or her at someone, moreover and to wink casually? To flirt is not the same what "to remove or take off" someone by means of pair sex hints. This thin business allowing you and to the partner to open the individuality, to talk and simply to enjoy a society each other. At flirtation you do or make each other the innocent signs on attention showing your sex, instead of simply friendly interest. Flirtation to what you not objazyvaet, but thus enables to appreciate the person, it is good to spend time and at the same time to get used to an idea on possible or probable sex attitudes or relations.
How to tell or say about it or this to the new partner?
Before telling to the partner about the status, think, as though you have preferred to learn or find out about a HIV: at the initial stage of attitudes or relations behind a calyx or calicle of coffee, walking on park or, maybe, in bed after a long passionate kiss? Present, that nothing can affect or influence the decision of your partner radically. On the other hand, the earlier you discuss everything, as to your status, the it is more than time and freedom will be at your partner sensibly to estimate or appreciate the readiness to risk the feelings or health for the sake of continuation of attitudes or relations.
The question on a HIV-status lifted at the initial stage of development of attitudes or relations, can help or assist you with the partner to strengthen trust to each other. One research has shown, that at 70 % of the HIV-positive which have opened the HIV-status, attitudes or relations became closer, than earlier. So and at such difficult experience as disclosing, is pluss. Besides the openness of you will help or assist your partner to become more sincere also.
However, guarantees of that disclosing of a HIV-status will lead to a positive take, too is not present. We always risk to be otverzhennymi, but it is necessary to learn to recognize, that this risk a part of our life, and to allow to refuse to other people attitudes or relations with us, irrespective of the reason on which they do or make it. Probably, we simply yet have not met the suitable person.
Four steps on a way to an openness
Not always people have an opportunity openly to speak with the partner. Presently people promptly pass from the first appointment to an intim, and for a HIV-positive it can be the main complexity.
If you a HIV-positive your status as though pushes you to tell the most significant things about yourselves at an early stage of attitudes or relations. A HIV-negative the person can postpone the " skeletons in a case " before attitudes or relations become rather close. And your "plus" at once becomes in the chapter or head of attitudes or relations, and not the fact, that to you will comfortably balance on so shaky base. In that case, it will be easier to you to pave all over again road of your attitudes or relations, and then to pass to a HIV. Below the trial "plan" leading to disclosing of a HIV-status is resulted or brought. Consider, that while you will follow the similar plan, you can quite solve, that the person at all does not approach or suit you, and, hence, and necessity to speak him about a HIV-status is not present.
The first appointment:
Appointment somewhere in cafe or in any other place where you could spend time, talk and learn or spend time, talk and find out easy the potential partner better. Proceeding from that the first appointment should not be tightened or delayed more than on an hour or two, establish or install exact time or temporary frameworks at own will. If the first occurring has touched you up to depth of soul, that, probably, the kiss at parting will be to a place. But it is not necessary to hope, that this innocent gesture can lead to something to greater, anyway, not on the first appointment. At this stage your purpose - to check up and strengthen mutual interest. Tell each other about itself, flirt, gossip - the main thing give vent to feelings, and will see, emotional contact to the partner what is it will help or assist you to come into.
The second appointment:
Plan more traditional appointment, for example, agree to have supper, then to descend or go at cinema or to dance. At this stage important not only to support or maintain conversation, but also to start to be defined or determined in the desire. Intriguing in this plan there can be time spent at cinema when any casual touch in darkness of a cinema amplifies excruciating affinity, and provokes you to take the first step. It is natural, that your sexuality will not reveal anywhere so obviously as in dance, especially, if you will prefer to mass meeting of a dancing more intimal situation. If after a campaign at cinema or club you decide to go to have a bite somewhere, it can quite appear so, that the unostentatious situation toward the end evenings can appear even more favorable for frank conversation on your status, than even a romantic supper in the beginning of appointment.
The third appointment:
Spend day together, preliminary having planned time and a place of an occurring. Let it will be walk on the nature, visiting of a museum, an antique shop or a lunch in a retro-snack bar - in fact should pass or take place this appointment as much as possible easy and to arrange you to expression of your feelings not only by means of words. The silent atmosphere of this day will help or assist you to trust each other and to comprehend or conceive history of your attitudes or relations. If you till now have not opened the status before your beloved, probably you will feel desire to tell to him about it or this in a measured situation of this day.
The fourth appointment:
Day which you have spent together, can force to look in a new fashion you at your partner. If to you it is comfortable near to it or him and you accept that rate with which your attitudes or relations continue to move together in the planned direction develop. But certainly nobody speaks that its or his game rules should arrange you completely - probably, its or his strange predilections in clothes - actually are not close to you, there can be different reasons on which you decide to not continue acquaintance. On the other hand, it is not excluded, that on the fourth appointment you cannot "come unstuck" from each other any more.
But all this with the unique clause: if all of you were not solved to open yet to the friend the main secret at last stage " the moment of true " can turn back awkwardness. Your partner, possibly to be surprised, if you will start to tell to him about your status while he has hardly taken breath after a kiss vzasos. But if he learns or finds out about it or this after sex, results can be even more pitiable.
On each of four stages do not forget to leave time for informal conversation, and is better, that such conversation, concerning or touching your status, took place before you will appear together in bed or on a kitchen table. Been solved or having dared on a direct talk, you, first, give to the partner an opportunity better to learn or find out you and, secondly, give him additional time for meditations over, whether there will be your HIV-status an obstacle for its or his feelings to you.
In any case if you will not try to tell about a HIV-status, you never learn or find out, what can be reaction. But before you on it are solved, you should accept yourselves and feel confidence of.
From a HIV it is complex or difficult to majority of people to tell or say to the partner about " positive news ". It can become the main obstacle for a sex life of a HIV-positive. There is a set of ways of disclosing of the status, allowing to break this barrier.
For many of us openly to declare the positive status it is even more terrible, than to invite the one who is pleasant, to appointment. Many of us already have a negative experience when us rejected liked, friends or members of family. For this reason, frequently people are ready on everything if only to avoid a phrase: " I - a HIV-positive ". However at construction of serious attitudes or relations inevitably there will come or step the moment when it will be necessary to inform on a HIV-status.
There are different ways of disclosing of a HIV-status. In some cases, for example, getting acquainted on the Internet, you do or make it still before will meet the potential partner. In other cases you can inform on a HIV-status to the person whom meet, and you already had appointments. The some people prefer to make it before you had sex contacts, in other cases when all already "has far come".
Depending on the purposes and your present situation you can use various strategy to adjust private life. Here some of them who can appear useful are presented only.
Vow of continence
Some people choose continence, start up even time or temporary and not only to avoid disclosing the HIV-status. Here words of one HIV-positive of the man: " I have received this virus because of sex. I need to reconcile all over again to it or this, to recover emotionally ". For those who has gone through sex violence or break of long attitudes or relations, "respite" from sex also is necessary to be restored. Though continence also limits a sexual life, it expands or dilates borders for new emotional and spiritual communications or connections.
Sex: casually and without obligations
The some people avoid emotional contact because of possible or probable risk otverzhenija, being engaged in anonymous or casual sex because under similar circumstances there is no necessity to open the HIV-status.
Many HIV-positive consider or count very important to inform the constant partner in a HIV, but on casual sex this rule at them does not extend. In overwhelming majority of cases people from a HIV try to practise even with casual partners safe sex, or insist on itself. Thus often it is supposed, that if the person is engaged in sex, he knows about the risks connected with it or him. It is important to note, that because of existing biases the majority of a HIV-negative of people consider or count, that only the bad person will be engaged in sex, not having informed about a HIV-status. It does not mean, that they are right, but it is important to realize, as the partner can concern to a similar practice.
Problem of "casual" sex that very much often fleeting attitudes or relations develop into something greater, and in this case the person should choose - whether to inform all the same about a HIV, or to leave, not having explained the reason. It is necessary to tell or say, that many diskordantnye pairs or steams so have met and have begun a joint life. However if you had dangerous sex contacts, to make a recognition begins most difficultly as in parallel it is necessary to advise the partner concerning risk and testings.
Acquaintances under the announcement
The Internet-service of acquaintances in which it is possible to specify the HIV-status, give an opportunity to search for the friend on regions, to look through a photo and profiles of people from a HIV (gomo-and geteroseksualnyh), wishing to meet.
The majority of a HIV-positive, first of all, think not of continence and not about anonymous sex, and about an opportunity to join the company of people in which initially it is not necessary to hide the HIV-status. Getting acquainted on the Internet, or having placed the announcement in magazine or service of acquaintances, you in advance mark or celebrate the status, and it at once solves the problem disclosings. Other people simply try to communicate as much as possible with a HIV-positive (in the medical centers, on groups of support and mutual aid), hoping, that sooner or later will meet the one who is necessary to them.
The announcement of acquaintance - your field for creativity, here you can describe yourselves as attractive and " positive in every respect " the person who wishes to meet the same partner. Having specified the status, you find confidence that everyone who will respond to your announcement, signs you such what you are.
And even if you are not going to to place the announcement, drawing up of the personal questionnaire to appear it can is rather useful. Try to make it for the sake of experiment - outline the list of the qualities and those qualities which to you was to be seen in the partner. In the further it will help or assist you with search of the best candidates on a vacant place.
The main problem of such kind of acquaintances - at you is much less than choice, and search can be tightened or delayed for acritical term. Besides your heart, alas, can not take a HIV-status of the potential partner into consideration, and finally you can casually meet the one for whom always searched, outside of any special services. In this case you most likely should plan disclosing of a HIV-status.
To meet someone especial
If you want, that the partner has accepted you, all over again accept itself. Work ceasing to feel fault or shame that at you a HIV. You the one who you are, your views and a way can differ from advice or councils of relatives and friends, but it does not mean, that you do not deserve love and happiness. You are worthy respect from the partner.
Be accessible. Your ideal will not appear from anywhere, as " the eighth miracle of light ". Expand or dilate a circle of the acquaintances, try to communicate with different people. Go on group of mutual aid, join the command on volleyball, help or assist with the charitable organization - use all opportunities to become a part of a society and to find new friends. The more at you a choice - the better.
Flirt, instead of "remove or take out". First of all, tell or say there is no" shyness. Shyness is only one more pretext to avoid occurrings and to remain in loneliness. If you possess a bewitching smile why to not aim it or her at someone, moreover and to wink casually? To flirt is not the same what "to remove or take off" someone by means of pair sex hints. This thin business allowing you and to the partner to open the individuality, to talk and simply to enjoy a society each other. At flirtation you do or make each other the innocent signs on attention showing your sex, instead of simply friendly interest. Flirtation to what you not objazyvaet, but thus enables to appreciate the person, it is good to spend time and at the same time to get used to an idea on possible or probable sex attitudes or relations.
How to tell or say about it or this to the new partner?
Before telling to the partner about the status, think, as though you have preferred to learn or find out about a HIV: at the initial stage of attitudes or relations behind a calyx or calicle of coffee, walking on park or, maybe, in bed after a long passionate kiss? Present, that nothing can affect or influence the decision of your partner radically. On the other hand, the earlier you discuss everything, as to your status, the it is more than time and freedom will be at your partner sensibly to estimate or appreciate the readiness to risk the feelings or health for the sake of continuation of attitudes or relations.
The question on a HIV-status lifted at the initial stage of development of attitudes or relations, can help or assist you with the partner to strengthen trust to each other. One research has shown, that at 70 % of the HIV-positive which have opened the HIV-status, attitudes or relations became closer, than earlier. So and at such difficult experience as disclosing, is pluss. Besides the openness of you will help or assist your partner to become more sincere also.
However, guarantees of that disclosing of a HIV-status will lead to a positive take, too is not present. We always risk to be otverzhennymi, but it is necessary to learn to recognize, that this risk a part of our life, and to allow to refuse to other people attitudes or relations with us, irrespective of the reason on which they do or make it. Probably, we simply yet have not met the suitable person.
Four steps on a way to an openness
Not always people have an opportunity openly to speak with the partner. Presently people promptly pass from the first appointment to an intim, and for a HIV-positive it can be the main complexity.
If you a HIV-positive your status as though pushes you to tell the most significant things about yourselves at an early stage of attitudes or relations. A HIV-negative the person can postpone the " skeletons in a case " before attitudes or relations become rather close. And your "plus" at once becomes in the chapter or head of attitudes or relations, and not the fact, that to you will comfortably balance on so shaky base. In that case, it will be easier to you to pave all over again road of your attitudes or relations, and then to pass to a HIV. Below the trial "plan" leading to disclosing of a HIV-status is resulted or brought. Consider, that while you will follow the similar plan, you can quite solve, that the person at all does not approach or suit you, and, hence, and necessity to speak him about a HIV-status is not present.
The first appointment:
Appointment somewhere in cafe or in any other place where you could spend time, talk and learn or spend time, talk and find out easy the potential partner better. Proceeding from that the first appointment should not be tightened or delayed more than on an hour or two, establish or install exact time or temporary frameworks at own will. If the first occurring has touched you up to depth of soul, that, probably, the kiss at parting will be to a place. But it is not necessary to hope, that this innocent gesture can lead to something to greater, anyway, not on the first appointment. At this stage your purpose - to check up and strengthen mutual interest. Tell each other about itself, flirt, gossip - the main thing give vent to feelings, and will see, emotional contact to the partner what is it will help or assist you to come into.
The second appointment:
Plan more traditional appointment, for example, agree to have supper, then to descend or go at cinema or to dance. At this stage important not only to support or maintain conversation, but also to start to be defined or determined in the desire. Intriguing in this plan there can be time spent at cinema when any casual touch in darkness of a cinema amplifies excruciating affinity, and provokes you to take the first step. It is natural, that your sexuality will not reveal anywhere so obviously as in dance, especially, if you will prefer to mass meeting of a dancing more intimal situation. If after a campaign at cinema or club you decide to go to have a bite somewhere, it can quite appear so, that the unostentatious situation toward the end evenings can appear even more favorable for frank conversation on your status, than even a romantic supper in the beginning of appointment.
The third appointment:
Spend day together, preliminary having planned time and a place of an occurring. Let it will be walk on the nature, visiting of a museum, an antique shop or a lunch in a retro-snack bar - in fact should pass or take place this appointment as much as possible easy and to arrange you to expression of your feelings not only by means of words. The silent atmosphere of this day will help or assist you to trust each other and to comprehend or conceive history of your attitudes or relations. If you till now have not opened the status before your beloved, probably you will feel desire to tell to him about it or this in a measured situation of this day.
The fourth appointment:
Day which you have spent together, can force to look in a new fashion you at your partner. If to you it is comfortable near to it or him and you accept that rate with which your attitudes or relations continue to move together in the planned direction develop. But certainly nobody speaks that its or his game rules should arrange you completely - probably, its or his strange predilections in clothes - actually are not close to you, there can be different reasons on which you decide to not continue acquaintance. On the other hand, it is not excluded, that on the fourth appointment you cannot "come unstuck" from each other any more.
But all this with the unique clause: if all of you were not solved to open yet to the friend the main secret at last stage " the moment of true " can turn back awkwardness. Your partner, possibly to be surprised, if you will start to tell to him about your status while he has hardly taken breath after a kiss vzasos. But if he learns or finds out about it or this after sex, results can be even more pitiable.
On each of four stages do not forget to leave time for informal conversation, and is better, that such conversation, concerning or touching your status, took place before you will appear together in bed or on a kitchen table. Been solved or having dared on a direct talk, you, first, give to the partner an opportunity better to learn or find out you and, secondly, give him additional time for meditations over, whether there will be your HIV-status an obstacle for its or his feelings to you.
In any case if you will not try to tell about a HIV-status, you never learn or find out, what can be reaction. But before you on it are solved, you should accept yourselves and feel confidence of.